A See Saw Time Of It

It is now July 2008: My PSA graph shows the following March 3rd at 85, suspect cracked rib from sneeze, March 20th at 67, April 11th at 88, April 29th at 86,

The last few months it has been a struggle with disappointment stacked on top of elation until now it is despair stacked on quiet hope. It seems I have a win with the PSA going down by 10 or 20 points then it's up 30 or so points. Doesn't seem to matter what I do, I think I'm doing everything right yet the PSA goes up. I ran off to New Zealand for a break and some family obligations, also ate a lot of chocolate and my PSA went down. I am doing something wrong and something right but have no idea which or what is which. It is really starting to get me down and hold me there.


It seems there is a relationship to my time spent with grandchildren and family. My PSA goes down with each visit then comes up again. I enjoy immensely the conversations with our daughter as well, she is a smart lateral thinker and to bounce topics off her is a favorite pastime. I can expect a vibrant (for the want of a better word) conversation that covers a range of responses from both sides of an argument (that's argument the same as a mathematical argument not a fight. It annoys me that people bring emotion into an argument instead of sticking to fact or opinion based on fact. Seems to be a lost art these days, some get the shits just because you have an opposing view, very narrow thinking really.). She has taught me a lot and I appreciate it greatly.


I've tried some weird and wonderful things in my quest for a cancer killer as well as to deal with all the ramifications, especially the mental ones. I was having problems keeping on track and was finding my mind was going round in ever decreasing circles possibly due to the sheer desperation of it all. I paid a visit to a spiritual healer who was recommended to me. No, not Amanda Marga Arrawather Jodpurs just Ruth S. Within the first few minutes of talking to her I just blurted out "... Ruth S, I like you..." . I am a pragmatic personality but like a bit of adventure, especially into the realms of the mind, yet I've never been tempted to try what is euphemistically called recreational drugs. I've only been what could be called tiddly on alcohol twice in my life and didn't like it both times - must be in control, then maybe you've worked that out by now.


My Session with Ruth was fascinating. After a short talk on some aspects of my life Ruth asked me to lie on the couch, explained what she would do, rest her hand on my shoulder, and told me to close my eyes and relax. I did and within minutes I was experiencing hypnogogic imagery, a swirling blue light in my minds eye. Truly amazing to happen so quickly. I was quite conscious, very relaxed but unaware of Ruth's hand on my shoulder as I lay on the couch. I could hear the sounds of business life passing on the street outside and the swirling blue light would wax and wane if the sounds intruded on my thoughts. This imagery occurs when your brain waves slow down to about 7.2Hz, a very relaxed state that usually can only be achieved by very experienced yoga practitioners of by some external influence like Holosync sound patterns.

On bringing me out of this relaxed state I was slightly dizzy and took some care in getting on my feet. Ruth was in tears. She then sat with me and explained just what I had "told" her yet I never spoke or at least I am not aware of speaking. Apparently I have a troubled mind going back to my childhood and the experiences with sickness in hospital on two occasions, conflicts with my father and experiences when away at school. I must reiterate I loved both my parents dearly and had not been aware of other that the normal conflicts any child would have with a parent. The things that were suggested were like the lights coming on from subconscious to conscious. Truly amazing. Being a strong self analyst I am not prone to auto suggestion. The problem is while I am analysing the "what the" I can miss the "because". The objective of this experience was to rid me of all those events in my life that cause anger, bitterness and resentment and to build in me hope for the future. I would be rid of the trials of the mind and with peace at last within myself and within my world I could look to a life free of cancer, a big ask.

I did experience some confusion as I tried to rationalise over a couple of weeks just what had happened. I had a few visits to Ruth with similar effects but the lights were not coming on for me and money was tight. I did appreciate the experience and always came away feeling relaxed. Ruth took the time to ring me at home several days later to expand further on her comments and reiterated that I have to get the caravan finished and get out into the bush. I also have to learn to receive love as I relate to who loves me and who doesn't and shut myself away from the hurt. I need to focus on the positive and receiving love.

"Modern medical science" has me listed as terminal so it was all a big ask unless I found something they didn't know. The further I delve into this cancer "industry" the more confident I feel that the answer is there and is being kept suppressed by mainstream medicine.

The Internet has opened the doors to minds and is beyond control to a large degree. That elusive answer to cancer is there I just have to find it. I must focus and keep looking.

Peter

tbc