It is now March 2008, I have been on the MMS since early January and am due for another PSA test in a week. My wife is driving and I am a passenger going home after a visit with my sister living on the Gold Coast. Then out of the blue I sneeze. The pain that shoots through my right side is breath taking, literally. I gasp to regain some composure and just try to slow it all down while I sit up straight and think about what has just happened. I am still thinking it will ease in a minute just take it easy, it doesn't. Bloody hell, what have I just done that could hurt so much. It is beginning to dawn on me... the rib lesion has been so weakened over the last two years that it has broken. The power of a sneeze... leaves your mouth at around 160km per hour, that's pretty fast and causes a bit of back pressure.
We get home and the pain has eased a bit but I have trouble moving and I am at a loss as to what I should do so I just go to bed drugged up. Next morning I feel better and get dressed to go up to the caravan, plenty to do and I'm on roll with it at the moment. I find ways to do things without causing me too much pain but the step down from the van to the floor is a bitch and someone has pinched the workshop step. I knock off early and head home.
The next day is blood test day, apart from PSA I have a heap of tests done including blood gases which I regard as very important so I can monitor my O2 levels and CO2. Did you know you brain monitors your CO2 levels not the O2. The CO2 will kill you if it gets out of hand, amazing thing the human body and brain just what it can do that force you to survive... cancer is just a survival mechanism at a cellular level, somehow what you have done has restricted the O2 level to such an extent that the cells go into survival mode and convert to fermentation mode which is anaerobic instead of aerobic using O2. When this happens the change in the cells also disables the suicide switch in the mitochondria of the cell and that cell can no longer self destruct as it should, bingo, you now have cancer when you immune system is overloaded or cannot recognise the cells.
The results from the tests are a bitch - the PSA has jumped from 33 and I was so sure headed down yet they have risen to 85, massive jump. The only reason has to be the broken rib has released heaps of cancer cells into my system pushing my PSA through the roof. What a bitch, I am distressed this was going to be the proof that the MMS was going to save me. The mental battle to deal with this news was a tremendous strain on me, to try and stay positive is very difficult when the odds keep stacking against you from such unexpected directions. Alright, I was feeling sorry for myself, you know, "why me".
My wife and no doubt to a lesser degree our kids were feeling the strain as well. However you have to be living with a cancer "victim" to really feel the day to day stress of coping with the cancer as well as the everyday matters that come along. A Cancer patient doesn't necessarily think too much about what their spouses are going through. Me, I am focused so much on me and this fight that to see outside is beyond me most of the time. Sometimes I may surface but I am in a life and death battle here and I have very little if anything left for even the closest significant other. I spend a lot of time in a mental battle to stay on top as I can trust no one with my life but me and there is no relaxation from that. I have seen two ex-work mates recently just give in and die.
Just writing this has reduced me to tears, the days and the nights thinking about what to do next. The thinking ingresses into every nook and cranny of your day to day activities, even when I'm looking relaxed I'm searching for something I might have missed. The research that you must do to find the truth for yourself is ongoing. The bitterness I feel towards a medical fraternity who sit on their respective arses and ignore what they surely must see big Pharma doing. I mean these are supposedly intelligent people yet they are so controlled by peer group pressure that they ignore the obvious. I have had to have some psychological counselling to try and turn my anger away. It has definetly made me more determined to beat these white ants in my bones and throw it up to the specialists. I'll get satisfaction but those other poor souls that go meekly to their deaths at the hands of an incompetent medical fraternity and corrupt research industry. Again I say to all, follow the money trail for the truth. Hmmm... I'm ahead of myself a bit, I still have to survive yet.
Fortunately I have a Doctor who isn't controlled, influenced yes, because he trained in the system but controlled, no. It must be very difficult for him at times but I have made it clear I make the decisions on his advice. That way he can always feel he has done his best and I am responsible for my health, good or bad, and I can feel I have done my best as well, right or wrong. Enough, the stress of thinking about it drives me bonkers and that doesn't do me any good at all.
Tomorrow is another day.
tbc
Peter
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